“And we judges have decided, due to the fact that, though you have the stage presence and though you have the talent, you simply aren't what we are looking for. Thank you.”

Keri stared at the blank faces of the three judges sitting in front of her. She felt dizzy; it couldn’t have happened. This was what she had spent nearly her whole life fighting, training, hoping for. A chance to enter SM Entertainment and achieve her dreams of being a star, of being noticed, of being loved.

“Please leave. The door is that way.”

Keri felt numb as she stood up and walked away. She had entered that room hoping that she could do it. She had been confident in herself and her playing ability – she had practised almost non-stop the previous two weeks and had known that she could play her piano piece it perfectly. She had felt that her audition had gone well; ok, so she had played a few wrong notes at the beginning, but she was nervous, who wouldn’t be in those situations. She left the room, her dreams discarded and broken and left behind.

She deliberately took the long way back to her apartment. She hadn’t called her mother yet either, she didn’t want to face it, the shame and humiliation that would almost certainly come her way. Her mother was the one to enter her in the auditions, sure that her daughter would get through. She had, after all, spent plenty of money on piano lessons. Keri could almost hear her voice now: “Didn’t get in?! Well then you’re not good enough. Try again, practise harder and keep practising. You will do this and you will do it better and better.” It was painful, having to listen to the disappointment in her mother’s voice in her head. Keri rounded the corner to the front of the apartment and began to climb the stairs. The lift would have been quicker but Keri wanted to delay this as long as possible. Then, all too suddenly, she was there, the apartment door looming ominously in front of her. She reached her hand out and gripped the door handle, hesitating. Could she go through with it? Keri sighed. She had to. Bracing herself, she opened the door.

“Mom? I'm back.” Keri tried to make her voice sound more cheerful, trying to fool her mother just that little bit longer. It didn’t work. Her mother came running from the kitchen to grip her daughter’s arms tightly, peering intently into her face.

“Well? You got through, didn’t you? Of course you did, I didn’t waste all that money for nothing now, did I. Keri?” Keri faltered a fraction too long before answering.

“I… didn’t get through…“ She sighed and dropped her head. She knew that if she met her mother’s eyes, the shame and disappointment would break her now delicate self-control and the tears she had been holding back would flow freely. A moment of silence.

“…what…” She winced at the steely edge that had crept into her mother’s voice and the grip that had bony fingers digging non-too-pleasantly into her Forearm. Suddenly, a sharp slap rang out and Keri’s head whipped to the side. She gasped in pain and could already feel the burning, palm-shaped mark of her mother’s hand on her cheek.

“You.” Her mother whispered dangerously. “After all I've done for you and this is how you repay me. I've wasted my time, I see, on a no-good cause. You, Keri, are no good. Now get out of my sight.” Keri fled, her eyes still dry, to her room, slamming the door behind her. Burying herself under her duvet and clutching a small cuddly toy to her chest, she finally allowed the tears to flow. She sobbed, sobbed out all the pain and humiliation that had built up over the hours. Why aren’t I good enough? She reached for her bedside drawer. What is wrong with me? Her trembling fingers closed around cool metal and drew it out. I'm so useless… A sweet, delicious sting as the razorblade dug deep into the warm flesh of her wrist. One, two, three, four… Four red lines before she stopped; the blood was welling too fast now and if she wasn’t careful, it would stain something.

Keri must have dozed off because the next time she woke up it was to silvery moonlight filtering through the half-drawn curtains of her bedroom. She sniffed and wriggled from the duvet. In the dim light, her wrist looked worse and she winced as a fresh spasm of pain made her arm tremble. She headed to the bathroom. Opening the small, mirrored cabinet, she pulled out bandages and antiseptic and dressed her wrist. She tied the bandage tightly then put the items away. As she closed the cupboard she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Blonde-brown hair, an odd mix of colours, lightly tanned skin, blotchy and red, tear-stained. Her eyes, normally a light hazel, were puffy and wet. Look at you, so useless, so ugly. Keri gripped the edge of the sink tightly as she leaned closer to the mirror, her nose almost touching the cool glass. Why me? Leave me alone. I can't take this anymore.

It was late, sometime just after midnight. Keri could hear her mother’s deep breathing from next door and knew she was asleep. Perfect. Keri grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and quietly, quietly headed out of her room and towards the front door, dodging to avoid the squeaky floorboards and pausing at the front door. She took one look behind her and left.

She didn’t know where she was going and for once in her life she felt happy, free. She could go where she wanted and not care about anyone telling her what to do, what not to do, telling her she was worthless. Keri had had enough. Her arm stung in the cool night air as she wandered the dark streets. After walking about for a while, she suddenly saw lights flashing yellow and green and pink against the dark night sky. Intrigued, she headed towards it. A couple of corners, looming alleyways and then there it was; a small, remote looking club, the fluorescent, brilliant lights beaming from the open doorway. Music was pounding from inside and from her position Keri could feel the air around her throbbing. She swallowed and stepped inside.

It was loud, that was the first thing Keri noticed. Towards the middle of the room that people had designated as the dance floor, Keri could see people, so many people. They moved as one, in time with music, as if the whole floor was alive and pulsing. She wanted to join them, wanted to lose herself in the beat, in the throng of people. So she did. Slipping in between the crowds of people, she stood in the middle of the crowd, feeling the tunes and the bodies around her. It was stifling, she felt far too hot; she tugged at her thick jacket and flung it away, where, she didn’t care. Her senses were heightened, everything felt brighter, louder, hotter, more intense. Then she saw him.

He was beautiful. That was the only way Keri could describe him. Dark hair, sticking the side of his face with sweat as he tossed his head to the music. Eyes closed, mouth half open, pale skin flushed with rainbows from the flashing lights around them. The song beat changed, slower, deeper and Keri watched as his eyes opened and stared straight at her. Before she knew what was happening, he was moving towards, in front of her, right there.

“Hi” he whispered in her ear. Keri stared up at him, unable to take her eyes from his. So dark, liquid, drowning. His hands found their way to her hips and he began to sway with her, holding her close against his groin. Keri felt herself falling into his eyes. Her head was spinning, she felt dizzy. He must have felt it because his hands moved from her waist and his arms wrapped securely around her waist. He bent his head down and Keri caught of whiff of cologne, expensive but worth it, and alcohol, intoxicating, before he licked along the ridge of her ear, whispering huskily, “Let’s get out of here.”

Keri didn’t have time to catch up with everything that had happened. He took her by the hand, dragged her outside. It was raining and the sky was dark but Keri couldn’t feel it, her body hot, too hot, her fingertips that were currently curled in his wet hair, dripping water. His tongue in her mouth and alcohol on his breath.

“Nn… who… who are you?” Keri managed to pull her mouth away from his. He chased, tongue and teeth clashing in a fierce kiss before gasping out softly, “Kyuhyun”. The name struck something in Keri and she froze. Kyuhyun… Where had she heard that name before? She didn’t have time to figure it out.

His apartment. Kyuhyun’s apartment. A bedroom and a soft, soft bed, contrasting with Kyuhyun’s hands all over her, tugging away the one too many layers she was wearing. Keri couldn’t keep up; she twisted her fingers tightly into his hair, wrapped her legs close around his waist. Fingers cool, dragging down her stomach and entering her slowly. She gasped, Kyuhyun swallowing it in a wet, messy kiss.

Faster, harder, never stopping, always moving, so good. Keri’s mind reeled from the overwhelming senses. He, Kyuhyun, was inside her, doing impossible things with his tongue in her mouth, his hands twisting, pulling, teasing her closer to the edge. She was going to fall and she couldn’t hold it back and… With a cry, she released the pressure that had built up in her abdomen. A few seconds later Kyuhyun followed, biting deep into her shoulder. They lay, not moving, Kyuhyun’s body resting heavily on top of hers. Keri waited a while then made a small noise in the back of her throat, pushing slightly at Kyuhyun’s still sweaty side. He grunted irritably, whined when she pushed harder, then rolled over with a groan when she poked his side. There was a brief moment where Keri was struck by just how beautiful the boy beside her was, before said boy turned his head and opened his hazy eyes to smile at her, running a finger down the side of her face lightly.

“You’re beautiful Keri…” Keri smiled and closed her eyes, feeling the ticklish sensation on her cheek float lower to graze her neck. Wait… Her eyes snapped open and she sat bolt upright, ignoring the dizzy sensation from sitting up too fast. She turned to Kyuhyun with wide eyes. He had propped himself up on his elbows and was looking back at her confusedly.

“What is it?”

“How… how do you know my name?”

Kyuhyun looked taken aback and Keri wondered why. Though his name was familiar she had never met him in her life. Or at least, she didn’t think she had.

“You don't… remember me?” Obviously not retard, thought Keri, or I wouldn’t be this damn confused.

“SM Entertainment? The rehearsals? You were in my group and… I auditioned a week before you so I didn’t see you afterwards but… I got through and was at the club celebrating with some friends and saw you and... yeah…”

“Oh!!” Keri finally remembered where she’d seen him before. He had also been a contestant attempting to enter the big wide world of SM Entertainment. Keri even remembered speaking to him now but she realised why she hadn’t recognized him. During the auditions his hair had been bleached to an almost white colour but now it was a rich, dark, almost black colour. She had fancied him, of course she had, he was gorgeous, but with everything that had been going on she had forgotten. She stared at Kyuhyun, remembering. He reached an uncertain hand out towards her, stroking her bare shoulder. Keri shivered and realised that she was still sitting up, still naked. Kyuhyun must have noticed because he gently pulled her back down beside him, drawing the covers over the both of them. Keri, still trying to process everything, let him move her and instinctively snuggled closer to his warm body.

“I'm confused…” Keri whispered into the dark. Everything that had happened, the audition, her mother, the club, Kyuhyun… it was going way too fast for her to process. Kyuhyun smiled at her in he dim light and manoeuvred his hand up to stroke her cheek softly. Keri flinched instinctively, his fingers brushing over the delicate spot where her mother had hit her. Kyuhyun immediately drew his hand back, staring at her concernedly.

“What is it?” His voice sounded surprisingly serious, it didn’t suit him.

“Nothing, nothing…” Keri knew Kyuhyun wasn’t convinced. She rubbed her hand over the tender patch of skin and sighed as she saw Kyuhyun’s disapproving look.

“It was… my mother. I didn’t get in to SM Entertainment.”

“What?! But… but you are an amazing singer!!” Keri almost flinched at the look in Kyuhyun’s eyes; they appeared to be on fire. He looked scary when he was angry.

“Your mother… If I ever…” Keri noticed Kyuhyun’s fists balling at his sides and immediately closed her hand around his, loosening his fingers with her own.

“Don’t! Please. I can deal with this.”

“But…”

“No.” Kyuhyun sighed but gave up, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. Silence. Keri stroked her fingers down Kyuhyun’s chest softly. He was fast drifting into sleep and his breathing was slow, his chest moving softly against Keri’s fingers.

“Don’t be… I'm here…” Came the soft reply after a moment of silence. Keri smiled and allowed herself to fall asleep in the safe cocoon of Kyuhyun’s arms.

---------------

Sunlight. It streamed through the cracks in the Venetian blinds and onto Keri’s face, picking out the many coloured tones on her skin and in her hair. It crept under her eyelids and she rolled away, trying to avoid the light, and hit something soft, fleshy and unmistakably human. Uh oh… She sat up, rubbing her eyes, memories of the previous night flooding back. Pushing, pulling, teasing, rubbing, moving, hard, rough, hasty, forceful. She glanced down at the boy beside her. He was beginning to wake up and he squeezed his eyes shut, nose scrunched, in an attempt to hide from the light. He looked so cute that Keri giggled. At the noise, Kyuhyun cracked open her eyes and smiled blearily up at her.

“Hi“

“Hi...“ Keri replied. There was a comfortable silence for a while in which Kyuhyun reach out for Keri’s hand and held it, stroking his thumb up and down her palm softly. The moment was lost, however, when a loud ringtone rang out. Keri sighed. It was hers and she knew exactly who it was. She moved to get up, Kyuhyun’s hand tightening around hers briefly then letting her go. Keri tugged on one of Kyuhyun’s shirts that had been lying on the floor, muttering under her breath at her phone, “alright, alright.” She rummaged through her bag, pulled out her impatiently ringing phone and paused, staring at the number that flashed before her, Mom, Home.

“Hel…”

“Don’t hello me, you. Where the hell do you think you are? Who the hell do you think you are? Walking out last night, not coming home at all, what were you doing?! Getting high I bet, or drinking. You don't think do you? You really are useless, Keri, I…

“Shut up.” Keri was shaking, her hand gripping her phone tightly, her small star phone charm digging into her palm and causing small drops of blood to drip onto the baggy t-shirt, turning a pale pink as it mixed with her tears. Kyuhyun had sat up, leaning on his elbows and looking at her.

“What did you say, young woman? Don't you dare tell me to shut up, you stupid, stupid, stu—“

Keri pressed the end call button her phone and flung it across the room. It hit the wall and a satisfying crunch was heard as it dropped to the wooden floor. Keri stood there, breathing hard, tears still pouring down her face. She didn’t notice. She didn’t notice when her legs finally gave out and she sank to the floor on her knees. She didn’t notice Kyuhyun rush out of bed to pull her up into an embrace. ‘So warm…’ she thought, Kyuhyun’s heartbeat loud in her ear. He was murmuring something too softly and she strained to hear him.

“…Ok. I’ll look after you. Your mother… I swear to God… I will… oh Keri~”

A sweet, soft kiss was pressed to Keri’s lips and she closed her eyes and lost herself in it.

--------------

Two weeks passed. Then a month. Then another one. Keri never went back home; she stayed with Kyuhyun; got a job, managed to buy herself everything she needed whilst attending school at the same time. It was hectic, horribly so at times, but it was worth it and for once Keri felt truly happy. Kyuhyun loved her, he told her every night, every night he touched her and held her and kissed her. Then it happened.

“Come on Kyu~!” Keri stood by the front door, tapping her foot impatiently and glaring at her watch. She sighed, annoyed, as Kyuhyun skidded round the corner from the bedroom, tugging a shirt over his head. Keri allowed herself a small smile as her gaze swept over the slender, defined chest of her lover, then her face hardened into a pouting glare.

“I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm sorry” Kyuhyun panted out, sitting on the floor in front of her to pull on his shoes and socks. He stood up, grinning proudly, but when he saw her glare, his expression drooped. Pouting cutely, he sighed.

“I'm sor--“ Keri kissed him lightly, innocently, cutting off his apology. He smiled into the kiss and Keri copied; she could never be angry with him for long, he was too adorable. The kiss didn’t stay innocent for long and soon Kyuhyun was rubbing against her body keenly, his tongue battling with hers and his hands roaming. Keri felt a wave of arousal wash over her as his hand slipped down the back of her jeans and into her underwear and closed her eyes for a second before pushing him away. He grunted, irritated at not being allowed what he wanted, and refused to move, latching onto her neck instead.

“Kyu~”

“Mmm wha?”

“I need to go.” Kyuhyun sighed and licked a patch of skin under her chin once more before pulling away, a small pout starting on his moist lips. Keri grinned and reached up to stroke his cheek. He smiled back, kissing her palm and mumbling into it, “You ready?”

“Of course I am.”

“Let’s go!”

A twenty minute walk later and Keri was standing back outside the huge building housing SM Entertainment and its finest stars. She gulped. Her feet felt rooted to the spot, she didn’t want to go in. It took a slightly more than gentle tug on her arm by Kyuhyun to get her into the building, and it took a slightly longer than necessary kiss to get her into the audition room and onto the small stage.

She was back.

“Right, away you go please.” The female judge smiled warmly up at her. You bitch, you don’t give a shit anyway” Keri thought to herself then shook her head a little. Now was not the time for that. Calm, calm, breathe in, breathe out and…

“If you search for tenderness it isn't hard to find. You can have the love you need to live. But if you look for truthfulness You might just as well be blind. It always seems to be so hard to give.”

Keri closed her eyes as she continued to sing. The truth. What an interesting word.

“Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you.”

Do you see me now, mom? I'm happy. I don’t care about you and that’s the honest truth.

“I can always find someone to say they sympathize. If I wear my heart out on my sleeve. But I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies. All I want is someone to believe. “

I don’t need your petty words anymore mom. I have Kyuhyun. He believes in me.

“Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you.”

I love you, Kyuhyun. I'm doing this for you. No, I'm doing it for both of us.

“I can find a lover. I can find a friend. I can have security until the bitter end. Anyone can comfort me with promises again. I know, I know.”

I have friends now, mom. I'm free from you and your rules and your barriers. I have comfort and security and I always will, even if you come back.

“When I'm deep inside of me don't be too concerned. I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone. But when I want sincerity tell me where else can I turn. Because you're the one I depend upon.”

The song drew to a close and Keri opened her eyes to see the four judges staring up at her. Two of them had their mouths open, drool threatening to spill onto their notes. One was staring at her with barely veiled adoration, his eyes glazed. The female judge coughed politely and her colleagues shook their heads as if from a trance, clapping loudly.

“Thank you. Please hold on a second.” Keri shrugged and waited on stage nervously as the four judges clustered together, whispering urgently in a mish-mash of languages. After what seemed like forever, they shuffled back to their seats.

“Umm…” Keri didn’t know what to say. They were sat there, staring happily at her in silence, strangely happy grins on their faces. Then, quite suddenly…

“CONGRATULATIONS! You are some of the best new talent we have seen in a long time! We would be delighted and honoured if you would join SM Entertainment as a trainee right away.”

Keri was gobsmacked. It seemed the judges had forgotten about her previous audition, either that or they had given her a second chance. Which ever way it was Keri was shocked. Her? SM Entertainment? With… Kyuhyun… That was when it finally sunk in. She was going into SM Entertainment. She was going to fulfil her dreams. With a loud “yahoo!”, Keri ran out of the audition room, glancing wildly around for Kyuhyun. She found him round the corner getting a drink from a coke machine. Grinning widely she snuck up behind and threw her arms around his neck, nuzzling his cheek, laughter bubbling over from her mouth into his ear.

“Ahh... Keri! It’s finished? What happened? Did you… you got in, didn’t you?” Kyuhyun didn’t need to ask; Keri’s shining eyes and glowing smile gave it away.

“Keri, you did it!” Keri found her eyes becoming moist as Kyuhyun spun around to hug her properly, his arms tight and secure around her waist. She had done it, the first hurdle towards reaching her dreams.

“Kyu, I…” Keri found the words stuck in her throat. There were a thousand different things she wanted to tell him, in a thousand different ways yet none of them sounded right. Kyuhyun kissed a groove under her chin, sighing contentedly as Keri’s fingers found their way into his soft midnight strands.

“It’s ok, I know what you mean.” Keri gulped, trying to stop the tears that would inevitably come. Kyuhyun pulled back slightly but kept his arms around her waist, gazing down at her with those incredibly deep, dark eyes of his.

“Thank you, Kyuhyun.” It was the best way she felt that she could portray everything she was feeling. Thank you for believing in me…

“I'm always going to be here for you Keri, always, I promise, even if we debut at different times I’ll still be here and, well, what I mean is, well, I—“ Kyuhyun was cut off by smiling lips against his own and he grinned with them, their mouths matching perfectly. Keri pulled back to whisper,

“Just say it, you love me.” Kyuhyun grinned and kissed her once before replying,

“Ok, ok, I love you. Now shut up and kiss me.”

------------------------

Three years later, Kyuhyun had debuted with Super Junior and Keri joined Fyre Blue, a rising story-writing community that was fast spreading through the Internet, taking control of any and every computer. Keri didn’t see Kyuhyun anymore, not in person anyway. His image was plastered over TV’s in Korea, Japan, the rest of Asia and his face was embedded on the Internet. She loved him, just from afar.

Kyuhyun loved Super Junior, they were a second family to him. He was singing, doing what he had dreamed about ever since he was a small boy staring at H.O.T on his TV screen at home. However there were two things that really annoyed him about SM. Firstly, he hated being split up from the group. He hated how, no matter how good SJ K.R.Y was, they didn’t perform with the rest of the band as much. He hated the way K.R.Y were always given the most strenuous parts, the main parts to sing and how some of the members in the band were given lesser parts because they “weren’t as good”. Secondly, he hated fanservice. All the touching and groping and sloppy kisses for the fans based on imaginary events that rarely happened in real life (minus Kangteuk and Hyukhae… and Yehwook… Hmmm…). His heart was set on one person, and one person only, and he never saw her. He loved her, just from afar.

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